I guess I should start by saying that my intentions weren’t to post this for all the “world” to see, but after spending a few days in my own grief, I realized that I’m not alone in this. There are others who have experienced the same sadness I am feeling & who understand just what I’m going through. There are also others who don’t understand, but are able to offer their support.
So, for those of you who have read that I’m going through a tough time, here is why. I’m not sharing this to ask for your sympathy or to get attention. I’m simply posting this because I know I am not alone. I now join many women who simply understand.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom.
Sure, there are other things I want out of life, but to me…that’s the most rewarding. It’s probably why I’ve been a babysitter/nanny for as long as I can remember & why I chose teaching as my profession. Of course, none of those things actually filled the void and longing in my heart.
After almost 4 years of marriage, we found out we were expecting. It was only a few short weeks after that exciting news, that everything changed.
We lost the baby.
Excuse me, I hate that term…”lost the baby.” Like I misplaced it around the house or in the grocery store.
Let me rephrase it…
I had a miscarriage.
That phrase right there is one of the most painful & heart breaking sentences I’ve ever had to say. When the doctor said it to me, I froze. There was no emotion on my face. All I could do was sit there & hope to God she would hurry up with whatever comforting words or advice she had to say so I could get out of there. I wanted to get up and run out of that sterile doctors office. I wanted to walk past all of the happy couples with their round bellies & plans for the future. I just wanted to get to my car so I could cry.
Of course, it wasn’t that easy. I had to thank the doctor for her advice and agree that I would be back in two weeks for a follow up. I had to walk to check-out, cancel my appointment for my next ultrasound that was already scheduled & I had to schedule an appointment to follow up after a miscarriage.
I had to walk past all of the happy couples. I had to walk past other doctors offices, out into the parking lot, and then, finally…I was at my car.
Where I cried. I mourned for the loss of the baby I will never get to hold. Never get to soothe. And never get to see grow up. I cried for my husband who I had to call and tell him what happened. I cried for my parents and in-laws who were so excited for a grand baby. I cried for my best friends who I was already referring to as the “aunts”.
I simply just cried.
Yes, I know it’s not the end of world & that it happens to other women, but having to actually experience it for yourself…is devastating.
After I calmed down, I drove myself home where I would walk into my house and see the sweet little ultrasound picture from the week before. The moment where my world stopped, this time for a good reason, and I saw the life I was going to bring into the world. I cried as I held that framed picture. I cried as I took it out of the frame and placed it into a drawer. I cried because I felt like a terrible person for putting it out of sight only minutes after getting home. It’s the only thing I could think to do.
How do I move on from this? I continue to live my life & be thankful for a supportive husband who won’t cry in front of me, but cried in his truck on the way home to comfort me. Who cried in his office the next day because he doesn’t want to upset me even more. Man, I love my husband. He’s always thinking of me & how to help me. While I am trying to think of ways to help him, to help our parents. I’m ignoring how to help myself because I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to just move past the little precious life that I’ll never get to meet.
“You were just a small bump unborn….and then torn from life. Maybe you were needed up there and we’re still unaware as why.” Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
I find comfort in knowing that there are friends and family who are keeping me in their thoughts in prayers. I find comfort in knowing that my aunt isn’t alone & that she has a niece or nephew keeping her company in Heaven. I find comfort in music. Songs that are sad, but describe how I am feeling at any given moment.
I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone, no matter how it might seem at times. I am now part of a group of many women who have experienced this great loss. Yes, I wasn’t too far along, but to me…I still lost something so incredibly precious to me. Someone I already loved so very much & wanted to protect and help grow into someone who dreamed big & lived their life beautifully.
I find comfort in knowing that one day, I will be a mom. I will have someone who calls me mom, who thinks the world of me, and thinks I hold the sun, moon, and stars in the palm of my hand. Who has my husbands blue eyes and dimples, who has my love of reading & imagination. I will be a mom. I whole-heartedly believe that. I don’t know when that day will come, but when it does, I will cry tears of joy instead of these tears of pain.
But for right now, I will cry for the little life lost. Because we all grieve at our own pace. Yes, it will get better. Each and every day I wake up is a gift and I will take each and every day and live it to the best of my ability. I will cherish it. I will overcome this small bump in the road because I am a person who believes that I am on a roller coaster that only goes up.
You’re part of the stars now, Baby S. And I will always love you.